Crappy New Year


What’s the deal with New Year’s resolutions?  Oh, it might have started out as a good idea, setting oneself goals to aim for during the following twelve months, laudable aims to put before us, noble achievements to strive for in the hope that somehow it will magically make us better people.

What a load of old bollocks!

There’s one thing not factored into this idiotic fashion of self-delusion, and that’s people.  Yep, human beings, homo sapiens, common or garden, fallible do-gooders.  You and me.

That’s the problem with all these fine dreams and dazzling visions for a new you, a better you, a high-achieving you, a fitter, more gorgeous you, a you people can’t help admiring and lusting after – and that problem is that we’re all setting ourselves up to fail, simply by even contemplating such lofty ambitions.

Why?  Because, basically, human beings are perverse creatures.  There’s a little demon inside of us all, snuggling down comfortably in a nest made out of the shredded remains of all those previous start-of-the-year visions of our glorious future.  A smug, self-satisfied little Demon of Perversity, growing fat on our self-delusions, for he knows full well that – despite these first-of January fantasies we ritually indulge in – it’s just the wine talking.  He knows we’re born to fail merely by uttering the words: “THIS year, I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna lose the excess weight, I’ll be a regular at the gym, I’ll make (insert life-form of desire here) drool over the very thought of me, I’ll get that promotion, I’ll save enough for that holiday/car/new house/plastic surgery.  I’ll do it ALL!

Nails in the coffin of failure, people.  And the Demon of Perversity knows it and is comforted and thanks us all from the bottom of his scheming little heart.

You see, he knows us better than we do.  He knows that whatever we say we want to achieve, we’ll end up doing the exact opposite and will find a sack-load of excuses and self-pitying platitudes along the way.  Every time you wish someone a happy New Year, you’re condemning them to just the opposite, because you’re now under the New Year Curse of the Demon of Perversity who decrees that, whatever you say in those dying moments of the old year and the unknown misty days of the new, will never, ever come to pass.  It’s an unwritten law.

Bearing that in mind, here are my “honest” resolutions for 2013, just to thumb my nose at my own personal Demon of Perversity who will make sure I get the opposite of what I promise myself.  Sod the little bastard, he deserves having a hard time of it for a change.

  • This year I will not diet and I will be a lazy-arsed, good-for-nothing sloth.
  • This year I will be content with my lot.
  • This year I couldn’t care less if people hang onto my every word, gasping in admiration of my brilliance, physical beauty and general awesomeness.
  • This year I will let myself go.
  • This year I will watch more TV/DVDs/play games/waste time on social  networks and do nothing constructive at all.
  • This year I will fail at everything I attempt – in fact, I’m not even going to make an attempt to achieve more than that of your average couch-potato on a particularly can’t-be-arsed day.

Going by the averages, 2013 should turn out to be a brilliant year for me if I stick to the above.  After all, the Demon of Perversity will have it no other way than to make me succeed in all I will not attempt to do.

And on that note, I shall wish you all a thoroughly Crappy New Year and may you fall down a flight of stairs and break your sorry necks.

Suck it up, bitches and prepare for success!



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